March 4, 2015

To Whom It May Concern

I believe in relationship parole.

I think it's imperative to spend time alone in between relationships. I think this is when personal growth happens. I think you'll be better the next time around because of it.

I've been on parole for about a year and a half.

But my time is almost up.

I hope you're ready.

March 3, 2015

Want vs. Need

I used to work for an organization that taught elementary students the difference between a want and a need. Food is a need - you need food to survive. A new skateboard? Well, that's a want. You can live without that.

But as an adult, it isn't always so black and white. And when it comes to relationships, the need/want lines blur even more.

An episode of Girls has stuck with me over the course of the past week or so, and I keep going back to this new Mimi Rose character, and her feminist approach. If you don't watch the show, here's a little back story: Mimi Rose is dating Adam (formerly of Hannah & Adam), and she got an abortion without consulting with him first. Now, I'm not going to get into the abortion debate, but what their argument boiled down to is this: Adam felt that she did not need him, and so he almost left her because of it.

Her response to him packing up his belongings was simple: I don't need you, but I do want you. And isn't that better? I don't need you, but I like coming home and knowing you're behind the door.

I can't shake it.

I don't need a man, but shit if I don't want one.

One behind the door when I get home at night, or on the other end of the phone after a long day. And while I don't need either of those things, and I've learned to find solace in coming home to an empty house, it's only because I know that it's not always going to be like that.

And this is where it gets tricky for me.

Everyone wants to feel needed, don't they? At work, or home, in your family or circle of friends, it's nice to know that someone depends on you. I understand that. I strive for that, too.

But what I also strive for is stability, and knowing that if I create that myself, I don't need to depend on anyone else for it.

Because somewhere between college and turning 28 years old, I've started to scare men away.

Honestly.

I'm not overly aggressive with them. I don't scare them away because I'm too needy, like some girls are. I'm the opposite. And these men know it, and they run from it.

But it doesn't mean I don't wish they stayed. And it doesn't mean I'm not upset when they leave.

I've had this conversation with some of my girlfriends over the past few months. How we're college educated, hard working women, who come from good families, but - for whatever reason - cannot find men who want to date us.

Are we that intimidating?  And why is being confident for the right reasons, a reason for men to be too scared to approach us?

I used to dwell on this all too often, but I try not to anymore.

Because I want someone who wants me, who isn't scared to approach me, or to chase me, or to be waiting behind that door.

February 18, 2015

The days are getting longer.

I've noticed recently that the sun is staying up later, while I'm still fighting to stay awake past 8 o'clock. But the thought of spring ever so slowly approaching makes me giddy with excitement.

Two nights ago, I glanced at the weather forecast, and my heart stopped while I read "high of 36" for one day next week. It's comical, really. But even with a chance of snow that day, a high of 36 is potentially the warmest it's been in almost two months, if I had to guess. Maybe even longer.

As it is, my car barely passes the pile of snow that's currently along the side of my driveway. If it doesn't melt just a little before the next big storm, I don't know how I'll be able to swing my car out of my garage.

Though I continue to curse the winter sun: so bright and promising, but so very deceiving and terribly cold at the same time, I know soon there will be a day that will require me to wear sunglasses, but not gloves. Or boots. Or, gasp!, even a scarf.

And how I look forward to those days.

To being able to leave the house without a jacket. To being able to finally wear the pair of Oxfords I bought last fall. To being able to drive home from work with my window down. To being able to open the windows in my house (!!) and let the sun and fresh air in, after a long, cold winter.

I'm ready for you, spring, just as soon as I get my hands on some new mint green nail polish.

February 13, 2015

To Whom It May Concern

I cannot fall asleep with the television on.

My mind races all day and it won't quiet down without complete silence, and total darkness.

But I'll sleep with an eye mask on, if you'll watch your shows with closed captioning.

Deal?

February 11, 2015

Playlist No. 7

I've been putting together this playlist containing quintessential bubblegum pop songs (in my humble opinion) over the course of the past few days. I decided it was finally time to share it with you.

It's meant to play in the order that the songs are listed. Unless, of course, you can't resist Katy Perry and you need to skip right to the bottom. I understand.

Enjoy!



Justin Timberlake // Pusher Love Girl
Beyonce // Love on Top
Bruno Mars // Marry You
Natasha Bedingfield // Neon Lights
Lady Gaga // You and I
Justin Bieber // Boyfriend
Fergie // Clumsy
Maroon 5 // Sugar
Katy Perry // Teenage Dream

February 5, 2015

On dating, or not dating, and what's next.

My normal schedule goes as follows: I wake up, get ready for work, go to work, go to spin, go home, eat something that hardly constitutes as a proper dinner, go to bed, repeat. I typically go through the motions of a work week without blinking an eye. I'm programmed. And when I make it to Friday, I tend to reward myself with solitude.

And that's when it will hit me: I'm 28. TWENTY EIGHT. Single, with no dating prospects. None. Everyone else is dating, or married, or giving birth! Like, at this exact moment, pushing! a baby! out!

I get a panicky girl-crazy look in my eyes.  My stomach turns into knots. I think, "My mother was married with a baby by now!" I question, "But do I even want kids?" MAYBE. Maybe not! I go on Tinder*. I swipe right for almost everyone. I think, "One of these dickweeds better message me!" I put my phone down. I breathe in. Out. In and then out again.

And I relax. My five minute freak out has passed, and I settle down. I go back to what it was I was doing before.

And repeat.

It's not easy to watch other people - friends, especially - move forward with their lives, while you feel left behind in yours. Most of the time it's a dull pain that I can almost ignore completely. I remind myself to appreciate where I am in life. To remember that I'm not worrying about how I'm going to afford a crib or the mortgage next month. I can accept that I'm on a different path. But other times I cry into my ice cream, alone again on a Friday night.

I joke that I'd like to get engaged so I can have a bridal shower. I'd ask for a KitchenAid** stand mixer and Roomba, and then call off the wedding. But I would get to keep the gifts. As women, we tend to associate certain items (ie: household appliances) with marriage. If I'm looking for a vacuum, shouldn't I be standing in Macy's with my fiance, aiming a barcode scanner at the nicest Dyson I can find?

I've become the friend that doesn't necessarily see herself getting married. I'm the friend who thinks babies are great, but they are even better when they aren't your responsibility. I'll roll my eyes with you when someone gets engaged. I'll make the argument that marriage should be illegal until you're thirty. I'm the first person you text when someone posts a picture of their left hand sporting new hardware, or when someone blogs the dreaded sonogram photo.

I play the part, and I play it well. But I'm tired of it.

I was reading a blog the other day, when I came across this sentence: Sometimes it's exhausting doing everything your own.

Sometimes it's exhausting doing everything your own.

I was asked by a friend a couple months ago why I'm worried about dating (or, not dating, is more like it) if my end goal is not necessarily to get married or have kids. My response was simply one word: companionship.

In other words, sometimes it's exhausting doing everything on your own.

Not just in the sense of being single, but also living on my own. Going grocery shopping and cooking meals, on my own. Cleaning, laundry, dishes, on my own. Knowing that I will start each day and end each day, on my own.

I understand that part of this is a lifestyle choice. Could I have a roommate? Sure. Do I think at 28 I should have one? No, not unless it was for financial reasons. And I'm not discrediting the fact that I have a great family and amazing friends. That is not lost on me.

But I'd be a liar if I said having that support system is the same thing as having a great boyfriend. It's not. I know it's not. You know it's not. 

So, I want out of this role. This icky-bitter friend role. And I know to change that, I have to change. I have to break the cycle. End this period of dormancy.

No more repeating myself.

A little change of heart, in this so-called month of love.


*I've been off of all dating sites for a few weeks. More on that in a later post.
**Do you know anyone who has a KitchenAid stand mixer and didn't receive it as a gift? I mean, really!