April 17, 2014

Stream of Consciousness: Part Six

1a. Over the weekend, while decking it with Tiff and Kelsey, I learned how OJ Simpson ended up in jail. Don't ask me why I didn't know this before - but he was arrested for trying to steal *his own* sports memorabilia, that he claims was stolen from him. I CAN'T BREATHEEEE. He gets away with murder, but ends up in jail for that? That will never not be funny. EVER.

1b. "Then who the hell did it?" - my 4th grade teacher when OJ was acquitted of murder.

1c. "Ohhh, she just said hell." - me, to my 4th grade self.

2a. Can we stop saying things like, "Because summer." or "Because weekend." and start forming entire sentences again? I'm sure I've been guilty of this on occasion, but let's be honest, it was probably a typo.

2b. Long live hashtags.

3. So many summer concerts! The Avett Brothers (3 - count em - 3 more times!), Justin Timberlake, and Katy Perry. Oh, and Journey and Steve Miller Band. I think that's it ...for now.

4. Speaking of music, I broke out my Middle of Nowhere (Hanson's debut album, circa 1997)  (yes, it's my original copy) a couple weeks ago and I'm not ashamed to blast it in my car with the windows down. This song? Excuse me while I listen to on repeat.

5. Two words: bar carts. What the fuck, man? Unless you're going to use that to literally cart around beer behind me at a party, I don't see the point of it. Stop it, Pinterest, just stop it. And how are the drinks staying cold? They aren't. I use this really fancy thing that keeps my beers cold, and it has wheels, and I can also use it as a seat, or a foot rest - and it's called a cooler. No, it doesn't look pretty in my living room, but neither does your cluttered cart covered in warm drinks.

6. I have zero control over my emotions when I'm ovulating (which I am - right this very second). So cut to me listening to, "A Father's First Spring" in my office yesterday morning, and I find myself in tears. Not, "Oh, I'm tearing up, lemme change the song real quick before things get ugly." No. Things got ugly. Scott Avett wrote the song about his daughter, and I'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded and seeped out through my eye sockets. Too graphic? Well, so is your child's birth story.

7. I think about Rob Kardashian a lot. He's such a little bitch, isn't he?

8. What are your thoughts about the American Blogger trailer slash film in general? I'm not going to knock the production of the film - it's obvious that a lot of time and effort went into to. But what is the point of it? To get to know these girls? Can't I just read their blogs and learn about them, if I wanted to? And let's be honest, who is going to end up watching this?

Yeah, you're right, I probably will.

Okay, I think I've offended enough people for one post, byeeee.

April 16, 2014

East Meets West.

Tiff brought the California sun with her.
Or at least that's what I would say.
She'd say it was freezing.

When I first started talking to Tiff almost two years ago,
I never imagined finally meeting her at a bus stop in the ghetto.

But after many jokes re: the bus station (and plenty of warnings, too!)
I can't imagine running around the corner,
and giving this girl a hug anywhere else.


Then gifted her with two mason jar mugs,
because of all the shit talkin' she does about them.

TIFF - COME BACK. Or, better yet, I'll come to you.
How does the second weekend in October sound?

April 11, 2014

Beyond Words.

I'm taking a break from My Week in Gifs today.
Mainly because finding the perfect gifs is exhausting,
and my week wasn't very exciting.

But my weekend? My weekend is exciting.

Today marks my 500th post, and while I said I was going to vlog about it,
(I fuckin' will, alright? Calm down.)
I figured honoring 500 posts with a video seemed stupid.

I'd much rather write.

Which is why I started this blog in the first place -- to write.
To make people laugh, too, I guess. But mostly, to write.
I never, ever, expected I would make so many great friends.

And not just email or text buddies, but blogger friends turned IRL friends.

Today - after two years!!! in the making - I get to meet Tiff Gee.
Face to face - (probably) beer for beer - we get to hang out all weekend.

For those of you who blog, but have never met other bloggers IRL,
let me tell you a few things --

It's scary. It's exciting.
It's perfectly normal to want to stare at them for the first hour,
but try not to, because that's creepy.

It's nice to have someone to hide behind when the newbie arrives,
so you can jump out when you're ready, and be all,

(maybe I said that out loud, maybe I didn't) (I think I did)

But nothing can prepare you - nothing - for the feeling you get,
when you're in the same room with someone who you know so much about,
but have never sat next to before.

It's insane.

And sometimes, it's not what you think it's going to be.
But mostly, it's even better than you expected.

Wow, I was feeling *super* nostalgic when I started this post,
and now all I can think about is getting day drunk with Tiff Gee.

500 posts is crazy, right?
Let's forget that I have ~200 drafts.

Thanks for sticking around, kids.
I love you-ish, I guess.

And because what's a Friday post without at least one gif,
here's what I'll look like while I'm waiting for Tiff to arrive:

April 9, 2014

Annoyances. Part Two.

It's the sun - it has to be the sun.
Because even though things are annoying me,
I'm still in a great mood.

1. Why is it that my black flats keep giving me a blister?
I've worn them for over two years. They are broken in.
Actually, they are falling apart.
And I'm not the type of girl who carries bandaids around,
so I have a piece of scotch tape on the back of my ankle,
to prevent this blister from getting any worse.

2. The following words really irritate me (for no real reason):
"Organic" "Vegan" "Paleo" "Shakeology" and of course "Gluten Free"
The other night at spin, someone was talking about organic salads,
and I rolled my eyes so hard, my entire head moved.
If you're into that kind of stuff, that's great...
but get off your fuckin' soap box, cause you aren't the only one.

3. Sweaty selfies after a workout*. Why?
But why? I can't even take a selfie after I spent an hour getting ready,
and you're posting one on FB or Instagram after a 12 mile run?
I know, I know - I should be all, "Good for you!"
But really, I'm like, "You look like you smell like ass."

I hope we can still be friends.

*I'm not judging anyone sending me a post-workout snap.
I'll take a thousand and one Snapchats of myself, at home, after spin.
Because that shit is gone 10 seconds later.

{part one, from forever ago, found here}

April 8, 2014

Things I Learned While in Vermont.

1. The view from our hotel room was MUCH nicer than the people working at the hotel.
And the people working at every single restaurant/shop in Burlington.

2. On occasion, food that is terrible for you,
and a beer tasting, is the right answer.

3. When you leave home, you miss your friends so much,
you send them a picture filled with love (and middle fingers).

4. Sometimes cute guys with beards,
give eye heart emoji eyes to other dudes,
and your boner bridge falls down.

5. Bathroom walls are smarter than you think.

6. Unless you're a sociopath,
beers in bed, and white light for days,
should make you the happiest person on Earth.

7. It takes 3 girls approximately 15 minutes to destroy a hotel room.

8. I have no control when it comes to:
Cat pictures, owls, and/or Mumford & Sons.

April 4, 2014

My Week in Jennifer Lawrence Gifs.

7am meeting Monday morning and I spent the entire time crawling around, taking pictures.

Monday night before spin.

Trolling pictures of The Avett Brothers all day Tuesday.

Tuesday night before spin.

Wednesday was spent in a room with my co-workers...

...which caused me to have a few drinks Wednesday night.

Co-worker got out Thursday night's after work event by blaming it on her kids.

But I also got out of it, and didn't have to ruin my vagina in order to do so.

And I only have to be in the office half day on Friday.

April 3, 2014

This kid...

I like to refer to Kelsey as my moral compass.
Our banter is littered with inside jokes and YouTube quotes.
We bicker like an old married couple.
But when there is a line to cross, and I can't help but cross it,
she quickly says: "Okayyyyy, that's enough."

Happy Birthday to the girl who introduced me to Grace Helbig,
who took a chance on a spin class with me,
and who lets me troll her Netflix.

Her birthday is not until Sunday, but ya know,
some things - like my period - are appreciated early.

(^^ "Okayyyy, that's enough." I can just hear her.)

Make sure you wish her a Happy Birthday on Twitter,
cause that fool deleted her blog.