April 19, 2016

hi and bye

Hi, friends.

Head on over here to check out the new digs.

I'll be writing there from now on. I'll keep this site live for another week or two, but be sure to follow the new blog on Bloglovin' so y'll don't miss out.

March 23, 2016

PSA

Guys, I didn't mean to come off like a whiny little bitch yesterday. I didn't meant to post for the first time in weeks (honestly, weeks) and be all, "Why don't you guys like me?"

When the comments and tweets started to come in, I felt like I needed to post a retraction: I DIDN'T MEAN TO COME ACROSS LIKE THAT, I SWEAR.

What I meant was: maybe this isn't the space for the type of thing I want to write about. And maybe that's why Wordpress has been tempting me, leading me to believe I should start fresh.

I'm not worried about comments on my posts, or no comments on my posts, because let's be real-- when I used to average 25-30 comments per post, I was writing about the Real fucking Housewives.

And, for the most part, when I post something extremely personal like the emails, I turn the comments off.

So, it's not about the comments. Or lack of comments. Or guilting you into commenting.

It's about the content.

What I was getting at yesterday was that I want to know what can make this blog fun again-- for me, and for you. And maybe super-long winded posts about me and my boy troubles isn't it.

So, that's what I'm stuck on: the content. And things are going to remain radio silent around here until I figure that out.

March 22, 2016

Boo.

I'm struggling here, people.

I could update you on my life, but there's really nothing new. Still making tacos more often than not, still trying to get through Parenthood so I can start a new show.

I'm also toying with the idea of moving this whole production over to Wordpress. Or leaving this blog behind and starting a new one over there. But am I really a person who starts a new blog when she can't even keep up with the one she has now? I mean, no, I'm not.

I'm torn.

Because when I post something that means a lot to me, I get crickets. And, like, I get it-- it was long. But if you're not here to read a post, then what are here for? Anyway, shout out to Michelle for being the lone commenter - thank you!

Is it that you guys are more interested in a what I'm eating/listening to/reading post? They are easy enough and fun(ish) to write, but there's little substance to them.

And that's what I'm looking for-- some substance.

Maybe this just isn't the venue for that.

So, I'm struggling.

March 11, 2016

letters // part two

(part one here)

To: Katelyn B.
From: Alissa Erin
Date: Tuesday, March 10, 2015, at 10:03 AM
Subject: And another thing...

I ended up texting Derek last night. I haven't heard from him in a few weeks, and I haven't been the one to reach out to him first in quite some time. I wanted to see if he watches The Jinx, because I'm so desperate to talk to someone about it.
More than anything, I obviously just wanted to talk to him.

He responded right away. Said he doesn't watch it, but will on my recommendation, since he listened to Serial after I told him about it, and loved it.

I'm attracted to him physically. That goes without saying. He's 6'1, with thick brown hair, and incredibly handsome, in my opinion. But what attracts me even more to him is his personality. And his intelligence. Basically making him a triple threat.

He went on to tell me that he was offered a full time position with the company he's been working with.

Then he asked when he was going to see me again. And I said, "I've been waiting for my invite." To which he said, "Well, I'm still in a hotel, since I didn't want to sign a lease until I knew I was staying. So how about I come visit you?"

I know this is all talk. I know it.

So I said, "Sure, when?" because I've heard this before, and I've yet to see him living and breathing in my living room, you know? And he said, "I'm trying to get home, since I haven't been back in a few years, but I don't see that happening because of work. So I'm probably free whenever."

So I said, "How about next weekend?"

STILL. I KNOW THIS IS ALL TALK.

"And he said maybe!" - Mike Birbiglia

No, I'm kidding. He said he'll come if he doesn't go home. So I said, "Hmm, home or New York in March...tough choice!"

He didn't respond.

I know he's not coming. I know I won't hear from him again for a while. I know that this has turned into some type of weird friendship, and that's all it will ever be. The odds of me seeing him again are slim to none.

So, why do I think about him all of the time?

You asked me my biggest regret is, who hurt me the most (or something along those lines!) and it's not him. It's not.

But I don't know where he fits in the grand scheme of things. I don't know if I ever will.

-------------------------------------------------------
To: Alissa Erin
From: Katelyn B.
Date: Tuesday, March 10, 2015, at 2:08 PM
Subject: Re: And another thing...

I don't know much about Derek. I don't know what he looks like in pictures or in person. I don't know what his favorite band is or if he carries an accent from his childhood. I don't even know his last name or why he means so much to you.

But I know that for all the dead ends and uncertainty this meeting has caused you, there must be something about him that gives you hope. 

Because while I am no expert on pre-single you (we literally met the day you kicked your live-in boyfriend out of your house), one thing I do know is that you are not, at this moment, in a fragile state of desperation. As you clearly explained in a recent blog post, you know the difference between needing and wanting. 

You know you don't need Derek, or any man for that matter. But despite your better judgment, you want him. And you want him, in a general sense. This person you have been working towards, building up to, sitting and waiting for. 

I guess the question is...do you think that Derek, is him? Or, I guess the more telling question is, do you hope- in spite of any evidence to the contrary- that he could be?

I was thinking earlier today about close female friendships, and about how, through nothing but endless rounds of conversation, we grow to really know each other, deep in our cores. We come to know our shared and individual idiosyncrasies; what pushes our buttons, what drives us, what stops us in our tracks. 

I could go through my list of truly trusted friends and build a perfect man for each of them based on all of this slowly acquired knowledge. For example, I know that all it takes for Kelsey to fall in love at first sight is for a charismatic man to really know his way around a dance floor. Emily would need somebody strong, and bigger than her, and self-assured in a way that she is not. Abby puts less stock in personality and conversation and more in chemistry, and how that person makes her feel, in a instinctual, physical sense. 

But when I was thinking about the man I'd draw up for you, it kind of stumped me. Not that I don't know a long list of men that you find attractive- I do, so many. But perhaps therein lies the problem- the fact that the list is so varied. You've loved- or could love- so many different kinds of men in this life. You are unabashedly and unapologetically open to love. Even if you don't realize it. 

That is not to imply that you don't have, as Liz Lemon would say, "dealbreakers"- I know a long list of those, too. But, in general, you look for a more holistic collection of attributes within a person of varying form- a triple threat, as you put it. 

And that- I think is the key. Because your triple threat- a person who checks all the boxes of the physical, the intellectual, and the emotional- well they are few and far between, my friend. And in this way, this man, in this (one of many) form, gives you hope that he could be him. If you gave him the chance. 

And if you missed out on this opportunity, then you couldn't forgive yourself. It's the curse that we can reconcile our failures, but not our fears. 

So your mind seeks him. 
You hand reaches out. 
Your heart gives it the old college try, again

Because you are hopeful. And therefore, vulnerable. 

But I think that this time, no matter what happens, you won't be so hurt. Maybe the outcome of this- one way or another- could burgeon a new box to check off in your perfect man application. Maybe that box would say something like:

Present. 

In all senses of the word. 

But hope, whether vindicated or dashed- is always, always a good thing. 

Because it means you are ready. 

For whatever the universe or St. Joseph or Tinder throws your way. 

You are ready for him.

-------------------------------------------------------
To: Katelyn B.
From: Alissa Erin
Date: Tuesday, March 10, 2015, at 3:52 PM
Subject: Re: And another thing...

I went once to see Derek in early May, about a month after we started talking, and again at the end of June.

It was the second time around when I found a ticket stub to The Fault in Our Stars in his garbage (I wasn’t snooping, I swear!), and it was after the second time that he sent me a text that was clearly meant for another girl, less than 5 minutes after I left his apartment.

It stung enough as is. The “ompffhhh” reaction I get from people when I tell the story only confirms how bad it was. But I think it’s worse because it didn’t happen the first time – or the only time – I went. It happened the second time around, when I just started to allow myself to think: this could be something.

And what I don’t forgive myself for is never saying anything to him about the text. I let it slide for so many reasons: because we weren’t serious, because I was hanging out with someone else when we first met, because I met him online, so of course he was talking to other people, because because because. Instead of saying to myself: stand up for yourself and say something, because you thought it could work with him, because you like him, and you should know if he feels the same.

So to answer your question: I don’t think Derek is him, but I so badly wanted him to be.

A couple months ago I went out to dinner with Sam and her cousin, and we got to talking about guys and dating (Kim has been married for a few years now), and she asked if I was dating anyone. I said no, and Sam chimed in with, “Because she’s still hung up on someone else.” 

And it’s true – I am. I can’t explain why, so I chalk it up to not meeting anyone else who really interests me, or not actively looking (or pretending to not look) for anyone, or any number of reasons.

But the truth is, he was different – he is different – than any guy I’ve ever dated.

He’s educated, but not cocky about it. He’s charming, but knows when to turn it on or off, depending on conversation, and he appreciates things that I appreciate: music and good television, wit and the ability to be playful with someone, books, and my writing, too – he was/is a fan of the blog.

He’s different in a way that is good for me. So I look for those qualities in men now.

But he’s not present.

Whether it’s because he’s never lived less than 3 hours away from me, or not, I don’t know. And I know that I deserve someone who will be present, regardless of how physically close they are to me. I deserve someone who will show up again and again and again, because that’s what you do when you really care about someone.

He was more…oh, let’s call it… attentive in the beginning. But all men are, aren’t they? They know that’s how they win you over. But to remain present…that’s another thing entirely.

I’m not sure how much of this I’ve already told you, but when I quit online dating a month or so ago, I said to the Universe (my good ole St. Joseph) before I went to bed one night: “Bring him to me. Bring him to me because I’m not going to be looking for him anymore. Help him find me, please.”

And I woke up to a text message from Derek.

I laughed. I thought of it as a test.  I thought of it as the Universe saying, “I’ll bring him to you when you understand that this guy is not him.”

Maybe that’s the case, or maybe not. I don’t know. But I can't wait to find him...whoever he is.

March 7, 2016

{what i'm listening to} The Avett Brothers


It was two years ago today that I saw these boys for the first time. 19 shows later (with 12 more lined up), my heart is so full from all the love I have for them and the people I have met because of their music.

This is definitely one of their ~deep tracks~ but so so so worth a listen. Enjoy!