July 18, 2014

My Week in Snapchats

Sunday: Not my snap, but I lol'd just the same.

Monday: Long live this joke/avoidance technique.

Tuesday: You don't get it, you're not a Brothers Riedell fan.

Wednesday (#1): Nico has a bitch attitude, but Kelsey deserved it.

Wednesday (#2): Watch this video, or never understand the joke, whatever.

Wednesday (#3): MY BAE.

Wednesday (#4): "Don't say it's over..." CROSSING MEDIUMS.

Thursday: Guest snap from Tiff that made me laugh so hard, I almost crashed my car.

Friday (early morning): THE COUNTDOWN TO AVETTCATION.

Friday (late morning): Tres busy at work, which is why this post went up late.

July 16, 2014

Then and Now

Kelsey left a snarky comment on this post yesterday. It's the second post I ever did, and I all but forgot about it. I decided to take those 25 random things that I wrote down in the late summer of 2011 and see if they are still true for the 2014 version of myself. Here we go.

1. I love anything sour. Especially lemons. 
STILL TRUE. I might have a bag of sour gummy worms in my purse. That bag might be empty.

2. I have a slight obsession with hotel phones.
Totally true. When we were in Atlantic City last month, I mentioned how much I love when other people I know are staying at the hotel, so I can call them on the hotel phone.

3. I hate voicemails.
True. They are the devil's work.

4. I have a very facetious personality.
I don't know...maybe.

5. I need a logical explanation for everything.
Who doesn't, Alissa? I hate myself for that one.

6. According to my birth date, I'm a Libra. But, I feel more like a Virgo, so I converted.
Well, I converted back, because I'm most certainly a Libra.

7. In high school I wanted to move to NYC, in college I wanted to move to Cali, now I want to move to North Carolina or South Carolina, or Georgia or Tennessee.
Let me level with you: I've never been to Tennessee. The only time I've spent in Georgia was roughly 3 hours in the Atlanta airport when I was 14. I have zero desire to live in either of those places, but I would gladly visit both. I have no idea what the hell I was talking about...but NYC or Cali? Sign me up.

8. Obviously, I'm indecisive.

9. I like giving nicknames to people.
Yes, I do. If you don't know yours, there is a reason.

10. I'm a book worm.
Uhh, yes.

11. I have a Twitter account, but don't tweet.
Lies. As I type this, I'm at 8,086 tweets.

12. I'm a certified news junkie.
Certified? Doubt that. But a news junkie, nonetheless.

13. I drink more water in one day than most people do in a week. I'm a fish.

14. Ew. I hate fish.
Also, yes. Dead or alive. Raw or cooked. Disgusting.

15. The two countries I've been to are Mexico and Canada, and I need to get out of North America pretty soon.
Yes, let's add international travel to the bucket list, shall we? Australia, preferably.

16. Ignoring people is my favorite pastime.
Pastime? It's my favorite thing to do on a daily basis.

17. I need a significant amount of alone time.

18. I fully admit that I love reality television.
Not so much anymore. I've moved on to NBC comedies and pretty much anything on HBO/AMC.

19. I hear, "You're an asshole!" A LOT.
Uh, yup.

20. Draft beer is great.
It really is.

21. I'm going to be an aunt for the first time soon.
My nephew will be 3 in October and I cried the other day when I realized that.

21 (again). Fall is my favorite time of year and Halloween is my favorite holiday.
Yes, I still love fall and Halloween. Maybe too much.

22. I love country music.

23. I also love Mumford & Sons and Adele.

24. Football is my favorite sport to watch.
Yes. Dem asses in tight pants, doe.

25. I will be 25 soon and I offically feel old.
I will be 28 soon and I officially feel untouchable.

I'm dying over the fact that I messed up and had two 21s. Numbers...pullin' tricksies on me since 1986.

July 15, 2014


Let's talk about my trip to New Jersey last Saturday, shall we?

Kelsey and I drove down to Newark to see Katy Perry. It's about a 3 hour drive, straight down the NY thruway, so it didn't seem too daunting. However, taking the thruway meant having to pay tolls and that meant borrowing my parents' E-ZPass, which meant having to stop next door to get it, which meant I could potentially be stuck there for anywhere between 2 and 37 minutes, talking to my mother.

I decided to go to the grocery store and purchase an E-ZPass instead. Because I'm an adult. Also, because no matter what I talk to my mother about, she always seems to ground the conversation in, "So, are you seeing anyone?" and I like to avoid that question at all costs. This time, the cost being $25 to buy my own E-ZPass.

Since I was driving, I asked Kelsey to go on her phone and set the thing up for me once we hit the road. She got through page 4 out of 700 when there was a service error and she had to start all over. When she finally got the thing registered, the confirmation page informed us that I had money on it, but it could not be used until 7am the next morning.

I asked her to find a 1-800 number, because that's some bullshit. It has taken me almost 28 years, but I've finally reached the age where I will get on the phone, and sass customer service reps, if need be. However, when she located the number, she also found fine print that said they were only open Monday-Friday, 8:00am-4:30pm.

"But it's 2014!" - me, a lot lately.

I called anyway, but no one answered, because even though it's 2014, WiFi doesn't just exist for the greater good of society, and the people who work for E-ZPass like to have their weekends off. So, I had to stop at each toll booth and pay with cash, like a peasant. The good news is, I have money on my account for when we go to Ohio in two and a half weeks.

When we finally arrived in Newark (no, there wasn't a sign, you could just smell it), we had to deal with where to leave my car/not get robbed.

We were circling the blocks around the Prudential Center, trying to find parking, because the one parking garage for the place was full, or for VIP, or full of VIP - I don't know. Either way, we weren't getting in there. We found one parking lot, across the street, but there was a sign that said, "$35" and I thought to myself, "I'd rather walk from the moon than pay $35 to park there."

We found another parking lot, and the sign broke down the price by the amount of time you'd be there ("x amount" for "x amount of time"), and quite frankly, numbers scare me. I was about to turn in, but I panicked, and instead cranked a U-Turn on a very busy street. I laughed and said, "I'm glad a cop didn't see me do that!" Little did I know, karma was coming for me...and fast.

We were back on the main drag and I had to turn right to get back to the original, over-priced parking lot. I was stopped a red light, waiting to make the turn. Kelsey had just made a joke about keeping Christ in Christmas (after seeing a nun standing on the sidewalk) and I was half laughing/half crying when I turned down the street and realized there was a cop behind me with his lights on. Not thinking he was out for my blood, I got out of his way, only for him to follow me over.

You know the drill. License, registration, insurance, etc. I asked him what the hell I did (in so many words) but he wouldn't respond until I gave him all of my personal information. Then he said, "Oh, you can't turn down this street," and walked back to his car.

What do you mean I can't take a right turn down a TWO LANE street? It's not like I was driving the wrong way on a one way street. I mean, I was hysterically laughing at Kelsey's joke, but not to the point where I had forgotten basic traffic rules.

A guy pulled up along side me of me and said, "I tried to stop you! Didn't you see the sign?" I wanted to respond with, "No, I obviously fucking didn't, or else I wouldn't be benched on the side of the street, you fucking moron." But I was in Newark. Also, I couldn't tell if the cop was close enough to hear me. So, I kept my f words and attitude to myself.

Kevin (the cop) (I will call him by his first name because I have a deep rooted issue with authority) came back to my window and said, "I didn't give you a ticket for making an illegal turn. Instead, I'm giving you a ticket for delaying traffic, which is a $50 fine that you can pay online." He then asked if I knew where I was going.

What? Excuse your face. Do I know where I'm going? No, Kevin, I don't. If I knew where I was going, do you think I would've turned down a street that, apparently, you can't turn down? Do you think we'd be having this conversation right now? Do you think I would've made a comment along the lines of, "I hope your wife leaves you!" under my breath, as you walked away from my car? NO, I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHERE I'M GOING, KEVIN.

It's actually amazing how much nicer he was after he gave me a ticket. He was all, "Ohhh, lemme tell you where you can park!" And I was all, "Save it for the judge!" and sped away.

No, I didn't do that. But I'm laughing just thinking about it.

He, of course, directed us to the over-priced parking lot. Which, of course, was cash only. So that meant we had to go back out onto the mean streets of Newark and find an ATM, and that took forever. It also took a lot of courage for Kelsey to get out of my car and stand on the street to wait in line. People can be frightening.

We finally parked, and made our way over to a restaurant to get something to eat before the show. Three Blue Moons later and I was feeling better. We waited outside the venue before the doors opened, and I was just buzzed enough to encourage Kelsey to take the following picture:

That's not Kevin, but it felt good to take the picture, anyway.

I'm considering including that picture, along with a note that says, "Please allocate these funds to making bigger 'No Turns' signs. Byeeeeee." when I pay my ticket. What do you think?

July 14, 2014

Alissa Lately

reading // How Did You Get This Number by Sloane Crosley. I read her first book of essays, I Was Told There'd Be Cake (amazing, a must read), a few years ago and I've had this one on my to-read list for a while. I'm only a few chapters in, but I'm liking it so far.

writing // Two weekends ago, I went up to Saratoga by myself to write. Not for the blog, just for myself, and it was the best thing I've done in a long time. It's amazing how easy it is to write when you know no one else will be reading it.

listening // To the videos I still have on my phone from the Justin Timberlake concert back in November, when Kelsey and I drove out to meet Michelle for the first time. Kelsey and I are going to see JT on Wednesday night (this time the show is ~9.5 hours closer to home), but it won't be the same without you, Shell!

thinking // About lunch. Is it too soon? Whatever.

smelling // My coffee.

wishing // That Katy Perry did stand up. Or strictly acoustic shows. Don't get me wrong - she's my queen, and she puts on an amazing show, but my favorite part was when she spent some time interacting with the audience. She's so weird. She gets it. I love her.

hoping // I don't have a panic attack while packing for my trip in a couple weeks. I made a spreadsheet last week to help me get organized (I'm only slightly neurotic) so I hope that helps.

wearing // A polka-dotted shirt, because I like to channel my inner Seth Avett. And I also haven't done laundry since last week, and this was my last clean "work" shirt.

loving // wanting // needing // I can answer all three of these with two words: Scott Avett

feeling // Still sick! I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm not getting any better.

clicking // Though Instagram. So many photos/videos of the Avetts from their 3 shows at the Red Rocks over the weekend, and they are all making me emotional.

{stolen from Michelle, as always}

July 11, 2014

My Week in Snapchats

Sunday: Because crying in public is something that should be done alone.

Monday: This man has ruined all other men for me.

Tuesday Morning: How'd that get there?

Tuesday Night: Got my weave fixed.

Wednesday Afternoon: Well, it's true.

Wednesday Night: So soon.

Wednesday Night (Again): The answer is no.

Thursday: Cold meds mess me up.

Friday: Have to watch the movie to get ready for TOMORROW.

July 10, 2014

5(ish) things.

1. My throat hurts. I can't stop coughing. Who gets sick in July? And I don't mean my allergies are bothering me, I mean some disgusting peasant got me sick.

2a. Have you ever wondered how long it would take to binge watch a show? Look no further. Unless, of course, the show you want to watch is not listed on there. Then I can't help you. Bye.

2b. I'm roughly 16 hours into Parks and Rec, and I have come to one conclusion: I am April Ludgate.

3. Here's a concert update: 2 days until Katy Perry, 6 days until Justin Timberlake, 22 days until Avettcation starts. I start STRESS SWEATING when I think about having to pack for that trip.

4. I bought a pair of red Chucks for under $40 last night, because it was Wednesday night, baby (and I'm alive) (name that quote) (not you, Kelsey). Anyway, excuse me while I wear them everyday.

5. Someone from high school posted a photo of me (and a few others) from kindergarten on Instagram and Facebook today, and used the hashtag #10reunion. Then the president of my graduating class commented and said, "We should probably plan something!" I have all I can do not to respond with, "Don't bother."